I Miss Them!

Habang nakatunganga pretending to be reading my book, all of a sudden, I miss my mom and dad.


I miss how they take care of me when I’m sick.

As a teen, I had frequent attacks of dyspepsia occurring at the most unholy hours in the morning. I could still remember how my dad would always accompany me to the hospital pag sinusumpong na ako ng ulcer-like dyspepsia ko. Gigisingin ko siya ng madaling araw dahil sa sobrang sakit at magpapadala sa ospital. Tapos madi-discharge ako from the ER ng umaga na, at papasok pa siya sa work niya ng umaga.

I also remember how they took care of me nung na-ospital ako because of dengue. That was the first time I was admitted. Thanks, God! Dahil hindi pa nasundan. I love how diligently they reminded me to drink plenty of water and eat lots of egg white. Salitan silang dalawa na magbantay sa akin during my 6-day stay in the hospital. 

Naalala ko rin the time when I sustained an injury to my eyebrow because I suddenly fell on the ground, hitting my head on the wall because I fainted. Sobrang pampered ako that time kahit alam kong it was just another episode of orthostatic hypotension. Nagkataon lang talaga na hindi kaagad ako nakaupo or naka-alalay man lang noong I was already blacking out. Pinapaypayan ako ng dad ko habang pinipilit ako painumin ng tubig, while my mom was busy cleaning my wound.

Now that I have this infection, I could not tell them how I’m feeling. Hindi ko masabi sa kanila na may sakit ako and that I am badly in need of their care and comfort. I could not ask them to accompany me in RITM so that I can have my check-up. I could not ask them to be there beside me pag masama ang pakiramdam ko. Nami-miss ko na yung pag-aalaga nila and pagwo-worry kapag nagkakasakit ako.

I miss too, how I am being spoiled by them.

Kapag may kailangan ako for school, isang tawag ko lang sa kanila, sila na ang bahala. Whenever I needed to have this certain document required for my training, sila na nag-aasikaso. If I needed this kind of instrument for my duty, sila ang maghahanap for me. 

Mom ko ang naglakad for my SSS, my passport, my birth certificate whenever I need it, my license renewal and all the likes. Lahat ng legal documents, siya lahat ang nag-ayos. Sa ganitong aspeto kasi, mom ko ang laging gumagawa ng paraan. In other words, I exist in this society dahil sa kanya.

Kaya napakasarap ng buhay ko because of them. I would not be where I am now if it were not for them.

Tapos bigla nagbago ang ihip ng hangin nang makuha ko na itong sakit ko. Since I could not tell them yet, I have to do things on my own. Ang hirap kapag dati kang totally dependent from your parents. Ngayon, ako na lang mag-isa naglalakad ng mga kailangan ko for RITM. Wala akong PhilHealth and I have to apply for my membership on my own. Good luck sa akin.

And then, I also miss telling them stories of my adventures.

Excited na excited ako palaging magkwento sa kanila ng mga adventures ko sa buhay, lalo na if I did it on my own dahil nga masyado ako dependent sa kanila. Like how I told them my adventure in Baguio when I went there with my friends nung Elementary pa lang kami. Tuwang tuwa akong magkwento because it was something new for me. That I am also capable of doing things on my own. Nakakatuwa kasi very eager naman din sila makinig. All ears in me.

The second time I went to Alabang, ako na lang mag-isa. That was when I had my consultation sa RITM for my illness. Masaya ako na nakaya ko rin pumunta mag-isa. Yun lang, hindi ko mai-share sa kanila how proud I am na mayroon na naman akong nalamang bagong lugar at nakapunta doon ng hindi naligaw or inabot ng siyam-siyam bago makarating sa pupuntahan. I could not tell them how I managed to get there knowing that I’m a sucker with directions.

Mahilig kasi ako magkwento sa kanila ng kahit ano, kahit hindi importante basta may maikwento lang. Ngayon, kapag may gusto akong sabihin, napapahinto muna ako at napapaisip kung okay lang ba na sabihin yun sa kanila. Anything na related sa sakit ko, I could not tell them.

What I miss most is crying on their shoulders whenever I’m down.

I could still remember the last time I cried to them. Ang babaw. Bumagsak ako sa isang subject ko when I was in my graduating year in college. Not because I failed the subject but because I have failed them kaya ako napaiyak. Pag-uwi ko ng bahay, mom opened the door for me and I just began crying as I hugged her and told them what happened. They were very supportive naman that time, telling me that it was alright. And it is always a relief knowing that my parents are there for me when I need them most.

But now, I could not tell them how I’m feeling lalo noong nalaman ko na I'm HIV positive and how my world has broken into a hundred pieces. Gusto kong yakapin na lang sila at umiyak sa kanila pero hindi ko magawa. They do not know anything about what I am going through right now. And it pains me that I could not tell them. Mag-isa lang ako umiiyak sa room ko pag tinamaan ng pagka-emo. I can't have their shoulders to cry on.

This time around, naiyak ako dahil I have failed them, yet again. Ang laki ng ipinuhunan nila para sa pag-aaral ko ng medisina pero ganito lang ang mangyayari sa akin. Hindi pa man ako nakakabawi ng tulong, ganito kaagad ang igaganti ko sa kanila. Nahihiya ako. :(



Haay! I miss them so much! 

Miss na miss ko na sila. Kahit kasama ko sila dito sa bahay, nakikita araw-araw, nakakausap maya't maya, I feel like I’m miles apart from them. I feel like there’s a big wall that separates me from them, a wall that I, myself, have created. Ang dami kong gustong ikwento. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Pero hindi ko pa magawa.

In due time, I know I will have to destroy that wall, and instead build a bridge that will reconnect me to them. Soon, when the right time comes. And when that time comes, I can have as many tight hugs as I can get from them. I can have their shoulders to lean on 24/7. I can cry all my heart out to them. I can have all the words of comfort from them. And most importantly, I can just feel their unconditional love for me. 

For now, I’ll just have to content myself missing them.

Aja!