My Aftermath

It has been a week now since I have learned that I got HIV infection. I thought my world has fallen into a hundred pieces, sumabay sa end-of-the-world craze noong December 21. The only difference is that my world really crumbled, while our world, the Earth, stays completely calm, rotating on its own axis, and revolving around the sun.

Hindi naman daw talaga end of the world yun kung hindi end of their old Mayan calendar. And that from this time on is the beginning of their new calendar. Whatever, lumulusot pa!

Well, as the new era of their Mayan calendar begins, my new life also has started. After my world crumbled down into pieces, this is my aftermath.

Let me become a bit nerdy here.

One thing I’m proud to say that I have really learned and mastered in my Psychiatry subject is the Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief. Gamit na gamit ko ‘to, kaya memorize na memorize ko itong model na ‘to. And now, I'm trying to apply it again in my current situation. 

Sabi sa model, there are five stages in which a person undergoes through after a significant loss or traumatic and catastrophic event in one's life.

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Yun nga lang, I was wondering, parang naiba yata siya ngayon. Hindi siya yung naging usual na DABDA sequence in my case. With this big, devastating, end-of-the-world-like news about my health, it is somewhat unusual that I feel like I have almost reached the stage of acceptance or I am nearing that stage already. Parang ang bilis lang.

DENIAL – Of course I went through this one, probably even before I knew the result. Noon palang na I have been experiencing some symptoms which I could only relate to HIV and to no other disease entities. Todo deny pa ko na this is not what I think it is. Ang thinking ko pa nga that time, I needed to get my HIV status as soon as possible, so that if it turned non-reactive, I could go to my doctor and get checked already. Yeah, I was stuck long enough in the denial stage.

ANGER – Hmm… I did not really undergo through this one. I didn’t become angry to anyone, not even to the one who has given me this “curse.” In the first place, I don’t even know who among them gave this to me. So to whom should I be putting the blame. Myself? Yeah, I have thought about that. But hey, nangyari na yun eh, and at one point, ginusto ko rin naman yung nangyari. No reason to blame myself either.

BARGAINING – Gasgas na gasgas sa’kin itong stage na ‘to. Every day, I’ve been praying hard na sana I was HIV negative. Ano yung willing kong ibigay na kapalit for an HIV negative result? Simple lang naman. I told Him that I am willing to give up my gay life and continue on with a straight life, in exchange of a non-reactive HIV status. It meant that I would no longer engage myself in same-sex relationship, more so in same-sex sexual activities. Ang bigat! My friend told me that I have to be sure na magagawa ko yun and I told him that maybe I can. Hindi siguro na-convince si Lord. Alam Niyang hindi ko kayang gawin yun. Kaya eto.

DEPRESSION – For the past week, I was depressed. I became unproductive. I couldn't think properly. Ang daming naglalaro sa isip ko. I diverted my attention to other stuffs like this one – blogging, and talking to people who share the same situation as I am. I tried to be strong for myself, for my family, and for those who are dear to me. I just didn’t want to show them how weak I was. Last Friday, when I had my usual Friday afternoon habit (hearing Mass in Quiapo Church), ang kulit ng mga luha ko. Gustong bumuhos while I was in the middle of the Mass. Ang panget lang. I was teary-eyed the whole time. After the mass, I met up with a friend, MY. That night, before going to sleep, I had a good cry.

ACCEPTANCE – Andito na ba ko? Siguro. Ang bilis naman yata. I guess I’m getting there. Sabi ko nga, there’s no reason to cry over spilled milk. Nangyari na ‘to eh. No one could really help me but myself. I have to be strong. And one good sign that I am willing to help myself is by accepting my fate. I have to face the reality that this is the new me, a more fragile, more vulnerable, but definitely stronger me.

At one point, naisip ko na sana naging totoo na lang yung prediction na end of the world na nung December 21. Para I don't have to suffer this. Pero as usual, mali naman lagi ang mga predictions nila. I might as well continue on with my life. God is good for giving me a second shot in this thing called LIFE.

Few hours na lang, Pasko na!
Maligayang kaarawan, Lord!
Thank you for this gift You have given me, a gift to see life on a different perspective.

Keep fighting!

Aja!